The Almost-Not Quite Life

Amy Vaughn

Writer & Blogger

A Love Letter to My Former Self. A Letter of Kindness, Empathy and Stirring Hope.

Dear Former Me,

 

You didn’t know me back then, or maybe, you had forgotten the Me that was the beginning You. I faded into the background, vanishing in the haze, abandoned for a time. You didn’t know me, or perhaps You simply forgot that part of You. At some point though, there was a burial—deep, deep—in the beneath, that space where memories fade and dreams are barely remembered. I waited-quietly, patiently for You to discover Me, unearth Me, enclosed behind a door of obscurity. You hesitated to open it. I don’t blame you. You sensed the impact opening the door would create and You weren’t prepared for what was to come. I think You must have known, in the depths of Yourself, that unlocking that door would alter Your whole world. You sensed that releasing Me from the unknown would unleash something profound, something so altering, and yet, I wonder if you also knew the potential for something vastly More. The More you longed for.

When you were ready to face the what-could-be, this mysterious key revealed itself.  Even so, when You were ready, You found the courage within Yourself to unlock that door. Your courage released Me from My captivity, breathing in all of the hopes, the dreams of the what-could-be’s. You delivered Me, allowing that Me to come forth like the noonday sun-eager, radiant, harsh. No, not harsh…rather, an intense longing. A readiness.

 

You found the courage not only to unlock the door, but relinquish control. Yes, You had courage. Before courage fully formed, You found a new Love; not the love that came easily to You: devotion to Your family, ferocious love for Your children, loyal love to Your friends, to God. That love had been idling all along. You found another Love, a harder-to-give-and-receive Love. You made room for Me to love Myself, to know Myself. The Me in My rawest form, the Me longing to rewind, to be untamed, unhindered in passion, unashamed of my complexities, a more complete Me. Your willingness to step aside, allowed Me to know Me, to accept Me and to Love the Me that has always been.

 

Dear One, be kind to Yourself. You cared for Yourself the only way You knew. Please, recognize all the good You lived and don’t beat Yourself up the way I have seen you do for so long. There is no room for that in this newness. You lived what was modeled for You, what You were taught. It wasn’t all wrong, albeit misguided.  You loved deeply, fiercely, fully. You have been dutiful, strong and true. Your trials, brutal and harsh, shaped the Now-You. Perhaps those trials brought You to my door.

 

You faithfully executed a life that, by many, met all of this world’s standards and You handled tribulations with calm certainty, even in Your angst. You were loyal to your first love. You raised your children-and look at them now. You should be proud. Your empathy aided in others’ healing. You laughed and cried…and tried and tried. Yet, in the deep, deep down, You regularly discerned something Not-Quite-Right. There was a pulsing, a gnawing sense of the unknown-More. You sensed the You that was incomplete, that had been hushed, not yet discovered. You felt the You that was disturbed, discontented. You were aware of The Growing, that annoying and beautiful ache that refused comfort. You were Awakening, My Love, readying Yourself to the Rising, the Braving, the Becoming.

 

When the time made it’s proclamation, You rose. You relinquished Yourself so that I could come forward. Awakened from the lull, that soothing white noise that fills the soul. You settled Yourself just enough and You heard My whispers, My song. You heard Me clamoring to be released, finally.

 

Now, as I step forward, I will take special care. You’ve done your job and you did it well. Those things that You were, no longer serves Us. Now it is time. I’m grateful for this in-between-time, that time before The Exchange. I’m grateful to acknowledge the You, to appreciate all that You have done. And now, it is time for Me to live the life that has been calling, pulsing from beneath the surface. I will fill the empty space, expand the vision, pursue the passion. I will sift out the harmful so that what remains can flourish. I will honor Her. A part of Her has laid dormant these many years. She has lived the Almost-Not-Quite life. She is ready to erupt into what is calling Her. Both of Us have prepared Her for this time.

 

Former Me, This is also Your time. Your time to rest. And now, too, is My time. In this moment,  allow Me the honor to move Her beyond to the Not-Yet-Known. It’s now My time. I will continue where You left off. I will bandage Her wounds and aide in Her healing. I will give counsel to Her fears and guide Her to Her next destination. She will shine. She will soar into Fullness. It’s time for Her to live Her truth.

 

I honor You. I honor what was, so that You can honor what is and what will be.

 

Yours Truly,

the Now Me & the Not-Yet Me

 

 

Amy Vaughn

©2020

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