Uggh…Feelings

Amy Vaughn

Writer & Blogger

How to Embrace Yours and Live More Free.

My feelings are valid.

My feelings are my feelings, but they are not facts.

This may sound like a contradiction, but it’s not. We can hold both views, one in each hand and treat each view as credible.

 

What you feel about any given topic, situation, challenge, heartbreak, etc. IS in fact, valid…even if others don’t validate it. Heck, even if YOU don’t validate it! Even though feelings are not fact, they are still valid. It’s just what you do with those feelings that stunts you or grows you.

 

And also…Your feelings are YOUR feelings. Although they are important, they are not facts. So often we treat (usually, unknowingly) our feelings like they fall into the fact category. 

 

Have you ever felt stuck in your feelings, like it felt impossible to move forward? Me, too. 

 

It could be due to a number of reasons, but one of the biggest reasons is that often we are living (subconsciously) under the notion that our feelings are fact and therefore can not be changed. 

 

When I started to understand that:

  1. I was treating my feelings as if they were facts and

  2. My feelings are simply my feelings and I can change them because they are not grounded in fact,

    EV-ER-Y-THING started to change.

That is when I began to move from STUCK to UNSTUCK (and explosive growth!). 

  • When I was betrayed by people I had considered close friends, my feelings were valid, even if others did not validate those feelings. 

 

  • When people I put my trust in started questioning my loyalty, it was devastating. My feelings were valid, even when those people could not or would not validate me. 

 

  • When I was questioning my sexuality and reeling about what it could mean for me, my feelings were valid, even when I felt stuck. I felt scared. I felt ashamed. I felt confused. All valid. 

 

  • When I felt heartbroken over my divorce, my feelings were valid. I was stuck in shame and guilt. Valid and Valid. 

 

I had such a hard time “letting go” of these deeply painful feelings. I had difficulty validating my own feelings, yet I felt the burden of my feelings compound like the weight of a brick wall. 

 

I sat stuck in all of my overwhelming feelings.  I even went numb. And then I started questioning myself. I started saying things like, “This is so stupid. I should get over this more quickly,” or “Why can’t I get over this? What’s wrong with me?” I began to invalidate my feelings and disparage myself for not being able to “move on” more quickly. 

 

In time, I learned that, although my feelings are important, they are not facts. This brought a sense of peace and calm. I knew that I could release myself from those feelings, but first I had to allow myself to feel them completely. I needed to process them. 

 

I gave myself permission to cry, mourn, wail, scream, cuss and feel anything and everything, even if (especially if) it was irrational or “over-the-top”. There was freedom in all of that because I knew that my feelings were simply MY feelings. And because they weren’t fact, I had freedom to say whatever I wanted and feel whatever I felt without shame or guilt.

 

I could sort out what was “rational” and what was “irrational” later. In those moments, I could feel anything and everything. I didn’t need to BE validated by others. My feelings were valid in and of themselves. Ahhh…(deep breath)…freedom. 

 

THEN…and only WHEN, I processed all of my feelings as much I knew how, was I able to reach a Breakthrough Point. 

 

At that point, I was able to sort through all the feelings without feeling all the feelings because I had already done a thorough job feeling! (Read that again, if you have to…it’s a tongue twister AND a mind melt!)

HERE’S THE POINT: 

 

Your feelings should be FELT. Feel them fully. Feel them without judgment, shame or guilt. Your feelings are important because they act as a beacon, telling you that you have some work to do.  Don’t skip this step because it will come back around. Our feelings can be stuffed, but they always bubble back up and wreak havoc on our mental and physical wellness. So, process them thoroughly and take the time you need for this important step. Once you have done that, you can sort them and actually move forward in a healthy way. 

 

It seems counterintuitive, doesn’t it? In order to move past/through your feelings and “move on”, I have to feel all the feels? Yep. 

 

It’s so much better than trying to manage your feelings and being in a constant loop of all the negative thoughts that keep us stuck and miserable. 

 

It can be so easy to go down that slippery slope of less-than-helpful thinking. If you choose to stay there, you will likely breed more negative thoughts and negative energy…and feel more and more STUCK.

 

Break free and Break OUT by feeling the feels first. 

 

 

THEN, you can begin to challenge those thoughts and feelings with more factual statements. Once you do that, you will be able to create and replace those thoughts and feelings with more helpful and positive truths. And THEN you will add more positive vibes in your life. 

What do you think? Got questions? Want to know more? Lemme know!

Does the thought of facing your feelings make you want to poke your eye out? I get it. It can be quite an undertaking. It’s certainly not for the faint of heart. Honestly, I wasn’t (and most people aren’t) able to sort through the complexities of our feelings. That’s why so many people seek therapy or coaching for support and guidance.

Have you ever thought about coaching? A coach is there to support, validate and nurture the client. A coach can offer potential solutions or suggestions. Many times, a coach simply offers empathy, a listening ear and a safe space to let out whatever is going on. Coaching is for everyone. Anyone can benefit from good coaching. There are a lot of good coaches out there. I’m certain I’m not the only one. Often, it is hard as hell to know where to start looking and what to look for in a good coach. If you have questions about coaching, let me know. I’d love to answer them. I always offer a free coaching call (or two) to determine if it’s a good fit.

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